Jade Empire Abridged
by Midnight Hawk
Summary: Wu the Lotus Blossom woke up in a closed palm mood, watch her take it out on the whole bamboopunk universe. Silly and complete! Wu/Zu Wu/Sky.
1. Chapter 1

**Our story begins in Two Rivers, a small village in the Jade Empire, which is a "bamboopunk" rendition of Ancient China.**

Wu the Lotus Blossom: Hello, I shall be your protagonist for this evening. I like delicate flower petals, the colour purple and smashing people's skulls between my palms.

Jing Woo: And I'll be your tutorial and practice punching bag.

Wu: How appropriate, you fight like a cow. *punch*

Jing Woo: Owchies! By the way, Master Li wanted to see you.

Wu: You could have told me that earlier!

Gao the Lesser: I hate this school, I hate Master Li and I hate you, Wu!

Wu: Who?

Gao: You.

Wu: I get the feeling this is important information. By the way, I loved you in Firefly.

Gao: Pfft whatever.

Master Li: The harsh rock weathers away under the stream's gentle caress.

Wu: Umm, okay. You're a mentor character so you're probably going to die or be evil, especially since you also played the Vizier in the Prince of Persia.

Li: Your destiny is eclipsed like the dramatic oyster; listen and I shall unfold its enthusiastic petals.

Cam Clarke Character: Master, Master Li! There are pirates storming the village.

Li: I will stay here and do nothing, like the placid whale. Wu shall go fight them off like the rabid hamster she is. Go to Guijin and retrieve your weapon like the diligent peach.

Wu: That way of speaking is going to get annoying real fast.

Gao: Did it hurt when you fell from the Celestial Bureaucracy, Dawn Star? Cos you have the body of a heavenly accountant.

Dawn Star: Oh do go away.

Gao: *sulk*

Wu: I think I spy a love interest.

Dawn Star: But I don't like girls. Check out my outfit though, it's pretty ridiculous.

Wu: Come with me and we'll go crack some pirate heads.

**The pirates are swiftly decapitated and the deadly ladies arrive at Guijin's shop.**

Guijin: Gōngxǐ fācái!

Wu: I don't speak Tho Fan.

Dawn Star: Yes you do.

Wu: Whatever. Give me a weapon already.

Guijin: I have a wondrous long sword or a golden staff.

Wu: Hmmm sword or stick: A deadly sharp weapon or a piece of dead tree? Oh so hard to choose... sword please.

Cam Clarke Character: Help, help, there are pirates on the beach!

Wu: Then we shall kill them!

**With her trusty new sword, Wu and Dawn Star waste no time in battling towards the beach.**

Lotus Assassin: *uses heavy artillery against unarmed peasants*

Wu: Hey, I do the bloody murders in this franchise!

Lotus Assassin: Another village with no purpose.

Wu: Come over here and say that to my face, you limp noodle!

Dawn Star: He was talking about the village, not you.

Lotus Assassin: *summons ghosts*

Wu: What the futon? My swords go right through them.

Dawn Star: Mine works, but that's because the designers were too lazy to give me more than one style. I can damage everything!

Wu: *steals Dawn Star's sword and kills everything*

Lotus Assassin: *teleport*

Wu: Hey, when do I get to learn to do that?

Lotus Assassin: Never.

Wu: Aww.

Lotus Assassin: Your skills are impressive.*golf clap*

Wu: You have some awesome flippers there.

Lotus Assassin: You may die now!

Master Li: Not so fast, assassin. *jumps and motherfucking explodes a boat with his mighty fist*

Lotus Assassin: You!

Wu: Who?

Dawn Star: Don't start, Wu.

Master Li: *kills the Lotus Assassin with a dazzling combo* This is your first hint that like the arrogant chameleon I'm not what I appear to be.

Wu: I will make sure I remember this moment. I hope all this foreshadowing pays off later.

Kia Min: Ow, my leg's hanging on by a thread!

Wu: I'll go get you some medicine.

Fend Do: I have some herbs that will heal the lady's wound or some cheap stuff that will do buggerall.

Wu: I'm not made of silver; I'll take the cheap stuff.

Kia Min: Oh is that for me? Oh it feels so good!

Wu: Yeah and it was really expensive too!

Kia Min: I will certainly repay you.

Wu: I challenge you to an Agni Kai... uh I mean, sparring.

Kia Min: *leg falls off*

Wu: Oh woops, I guess that poultice didn't work so well.

Bioware: *gives evil points*

Wu: Yeah, I probably deserved that.

Master Li: Ah you return, like the incurable snail. Your destiny awaits you in the Spirit Cave like the masterful sloth.

Gao the Greater: I object! I am just as good as Wu! Master Li shows favouritism!

Wu: Maybe it's just because you suck.

Gao: I challenge you to an Agni Kai!

Master Li: Like the patient iceburg, no fire balls allowed.

Wu: *kicks Gao's arse*

Dawn Star *jumps up and down*

Gao: *spams pyroblast*

Master Li: Foul! Like the arrogant peacock, you are now banished from the school.

Gao: *limps away*

Master Li: You destiny waits in the spirit cave.

Wu: *enters the spirit cave*


	2. Chapter 2

**Previously Wu kicked Gao the Lesser out of the school with her awesome kung fu, now she enters the spirit cave in search of a maguffin amulet.**

Wu: Ooh a dragon amulet; I can boost my stats with that!

Old Master: Woo, I'm a ghost!

Wu: Then I must defeat you, old man! Hi-yah!

Blue Spirit: I must capture the avatar!

Wu: Wrong franchise, damn it! Incidentally why is there a maple tree underground here?

Blue Spirit: I mean, oh the pain. I bleed.

Wu: That's a really pretty outfit by the way.

Blue Spirit: I can give you the power of the flame or the frost.

Wu: Flame please!

Blue Spirit: *teleports Wu out of the cave*

Master Li: What the--? Like the patient molasses I wasn't expecting you back so soon.

Wu: I guess there's a deus ex machina you don't know about.

Master Li: Like the pompous gibbon I forgot to say that I'm really the emperor's brother and that I rescued you as a baby from the massacre of your home temple. Also, like the bashful orang-utan Gao knows this already so we have a bit of a plot hole.

Wu: I will solve it by punching it!

Jing Woo: Master Li, Dawn Star has gone missing!

Master Li: How convenient. *twiddles moustache* Wu you shall seek her out like the outrageous giraffe.

Wu: You just pull these similes out of your butt, don't you?

**Wu returns to the village in search of a pink-clad sidekick... sounds familiar, doesn't it Bioware?**

Wu: I can't wait to try out my new fireball powers! *shoots random fireballs*

Si Pat: *catches fire and dies*

Wu: Oops... uh Gao the Lesser killed him before I could reach him. Oh what a tragedy!

Gao's Men: We were waiting for you so we could kill you dead!

Wu: I have the option of talking my way out of this but I'd rather smash some heads.

Gao's Men: Ugh! Ow! Aie! Gao went into the swamps, please stop hitting us now!

Merchant Hing: Please help me, I've lost my flower!

Wu: Not interested.

Sagacious Zu: I am no common bandit, I have been hunted by far worse than you! *proceeds to destroy Gao's men with a special brand of staff-fu.

Wu: Wow that was amazingly sexy, I mean... cool! Tall scarred and got weird hands... mmmm. Would you care to help me look for my friend, handsome?

Zu: No thanks.

Wu: Dawn Star can't rescue herself, damn it.

Zu: Dawn Star? _Dawn Star?_ I've changed my mind, I will help you.

Wu: First Gao, now this guy. Why does everyone want her? It's cos she dresses like a skank, isn't it?

**Wu wastes no time in beating up Gao's men, rescuing a cow and witnessing a domestic dispute in the process. **

Gao's Man: Please don't kill me, I'll tell you everything I know!

Wu: Where is Dawn Star?

Gao's Man: She ran into the cave, Gao ran after her.

Wu: I guess we'll follow her.

Gao's Man Does this mean you're letting me go?

Wu: Hell no. *punch*

Zu: I approve of this wanton violence.

Wu: This cave is full of ogres and demons. I guess that makes a change from the usual mooks.

Gao: You!

Wu: No, Wu!

Zu: And Zu!

Wu: You know if we got together our fans would call it WuZu.

Zu: Not ZuWu?

Wu: You think I'd let you top?

Gao: *Ahem* Are we going to fight or not?

Wu: Yes sir, Captain Tightpants.

Gao: I'll kill you in time to see the red skies over your village!

Wu: Oh obvious foreshadowing, how I've missed you. *kills Gao*

Dawn Star: Thank you for rescuing me.

Wu: Whatever.

Zu: I am glad to see you are safe.

Dawn Star: Thank *you* for rescuing me. Wait, do you hear something?

**A fleet of bamboopunk fliers fly overhead, heading for the village.**

Zu: They are going to attack two rivers.

Dawn Star: No, we must stop them!

Wu: Let's use Gao's flyer to chase them!

**The group board the flier and manage to make it fly, despite no former pilot training. They discover that Two Rivers has been attacked by fliers and is burning.**

Dawn Star: We must look for survivors!

Zu: I will wait for you.

Kia Min: *is killed horribly*

Wu: Oh woops, my bad.

Jing Woo: *staggers around and falls over*

Dawn Star: *bends down*

Jing Woo: Oh my! We were attacked by men in black led by a woman. There was a man with deep black armour and a mask. His armour was so black, black like a hole in the earth like a deep great pit, black like the wing of the raven, black like the-

Dawn Star: I get the idea.

Jing Woo: They took Master Li. *dies with a smile on his face*

Zu: It was the Lotus Assassins, they did this.

Wu: How do you know?

Zu: I used to be one.

Wu: You have a tragic past, oh why aren't you a love interest?

Zu: I'm just not pretty enough.

Wu: Well now what?

Zu: I suggest we use the flyer to go to the Imperial City, there we can investigate the Lotus Assassins.

Wu: You are by far the most useful henchperson I've met so far.

Dawn Star: Hey!


	3. Chapter 3

**Previously Wu, Zu and Dawn Star discovered that Two Rivers had been destroyed and Master Li had been captured. They decide to use Gao's flyer to fly to the Imperial city.**

Wu: Is this bit supposed to come off?

Dawn Star: Oh my various gods, there's something on the wing!

Flyer: *crashes and explodes*

Zu: We appear to be near Tien's Landing, I suggest we move quickly through the ghost covered ruins.

Wu: Zu, you come with me. Dawn Star, stay here alone in the ghost filled ruins.

Ghosts: Woo, we're ghosts!

Wu: I'm beginning to regret putting all my skill points in swords.

Blue Spirit: You have fallen from the sky... there is another piece of the amulet in the ruins here.

Wu: So nice to know, thanks for making me fall over during battle.

Zu: Do you faint often?

Wu: It was a vision, I'm no fainting blossom. Well okay... I am a blossom... technically.

Silk Fox: Like stop there, minion of Death's Hand, like, totally.

Wu: Hey I'm nobody's minion... at least, I don't think so.

Silk Fox: Like I'd believe you, loser. Your outfit is, like, so last season.

Wu: *whups Silk Fox*

Zu: This is oddly arousing.

Silk Fox: Like stop or whatever, I totally broke a nail. I guess you're, like, not a minion of Death's Hand. See if you can, like, make it to the Imperial City, okay? We can do lunch sometime and, like, get manicures together.

Dawn Star: There you are! I've been waiting ages for you.

Wu: Huh, how in the infernal realms did you get here before us?

Dawn Star: Never mind.

Wu: And so we arrived in Tien's Landing, the most annoying backwater of the Empire.

Dawn Star: Who are you talking to?

Wu: It's my spirit animal, Laos Mc Fluffy.

Sailors: We are rowdy and drunk!

Hui: I shall teach you a lesson in politeness, scum. *beats them up*

Zu: Hui!

Hui: Hello Zu, I saved that baby you gave me.

Wu: Wait... what?

Zu: I knew Hui long ago. What are you doing here Hui?

Hui: I am waiting for Master Li's student.

Wu: Oh that would be me!

Hui: The glorious strategist bid me wait here and give you some plot points.

Zu: So Master Li really is the emperor's brother!

Hui: Point number one: The Emperor slew the water dragon to end the drought.

Wu: Water dragon, check.

Hui: Point number two: The Emperor had Li's family executed for saving you as a baby.

Zu: It was the Lotus Assassins, I swear.

Hui: Point number three: I will teach you a new style that is almost totally useless unless you are playing on super hard.

Wu: *learns spirit thief*

Sailors: We are still drunk and rowdy! And this time we brought our friends!

Wu: Hang on lads, I've got an idea. Let's use random bits of wood and a large ham for this one fight and then never use that game mechanic again.

Sailors: Sounds good! *die horribly*

Hui: Point number four: There is another piece of your amulet in the ruins of old Tien's Landing.

Wu: Thanks for the info.

Minister Sheng: Minister Sheng talks in third person because he is a comic relief character. Minister Sheng would not like you to close the damn and he is not giving you the key so you can't do that.

Wu: Umm... thanks?

Merchant Jiang: I'll give you lots of silver if you don't open the damn.

Wu: Two people asking me to not open the damn, okay.

**Wu and Zu fight their way through the ruins, killing soldiers and dispersing ghosts and in once instance using fireworks to blow down a wall.**

Blue Spirit: Your future is uncertain, ask again later.

Zu: You fell over again, are you dizzy?

Wu: Err... yes; let me lean on you for a while.

Wild Flower: Chai Ka, I choose you!

Wu: Wow, she turned into a... thing. With awesome special effects that can't be described.

Wu: *defeats Chai Ka*

Chai Ka: I was the guardian of the amulet, but it has been taken from me by men.

Zu: The Lotus Assassins were here before us.

Chai Ka: I am sworn to follow you.

Wu: Oh I'd love to have a possessed child follow me around.

Wild Flower: I found this shiny plot item for you. It's a power source for a flyer.

Wu: Now all I need is a flyer to put it in.

Zu: And a wind map to fly by.

Wu: *breaks the dam mechanism so it cannot be closed*

Lotus Assassin: How dare you break the dam!

Wu: *fights the Lotus Assassin*

Silk Fox: Like, oh em gee, you survived!

Wu: Who are you again?

Silk Fox: Like, I'm Silk Fox. I, like, know where the old man, like, got taken.

Wu: You mean the Glorious Strategist?

Zu: It might not be a good idea to keep telling people that.

Silk Fox: Like, he's in the Imperial City, race you there!

Wu: So we really need a flier now.

Minister Sheng: Minister Sheng is greatly distraught! The dam cannot be closed. Why did you break it?

Wu: Huh, I thought that's what you wanted me to do.

Minister Sheng: *sobs into a silk handkerchief*

Wu: Whatever. Do you know where I can get a flier?

Minister Sheng: Minister Sheng believes that the pirates have many, but you'll need someone to take you to them, someone like Ru the Boatswain.

**Wu bullies Ru into taking Wu and Zu tu the pirates' island, tu bu continued.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Previously Wu beat up lots of guys and broke a dam, now she journeys towards Pirate Island.**

Ru: I'm a drunkard *hic*!

Wu: Take me to the island or I'll kick you in the liver!

Ru: Okay.

**Ru takes Wu and Zu to the Pirate Island, there they see that someone has dangled a cannon above the pirates head for no reason.**

Wu: So we could drop the cannon and squish the pirates or be boring and just kill them.

Zu: But if we drop the cannon, we'll squish that innocent boy, not that I'm bothered.

Wu: Squishy time.

Pirates: *turn into goo*

Wu: Now let's find a flyer.

Sky: Free the slaves or my beautiful partner over there will rough you up!

Wu: Who me? Oh yeah, I'll totally fight for a random stranger if he compliments me first!

**Cue dramatic fight scene.**

Sky: We make quite the pair.

Wu: Oh great, you're my love interest aren't you?

Sky: Even if you were a man, _rawr_.

Wu: *looks at Zu sadly* I'll guess you'll have to do, Sky.

Sky: I shall help you open the door to the rest of Pirate Island, _mon petit_.

Wu: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Sky: And now I must depart, _adieu._

Wu: Whatever.

Grand Inquisitor Jia: Bring me the amulet or suffer the consequences.

Inquisitor Lim: As soon as the Dragonfly is finished.

Kang the Mad: I know dragons with feet like rabbits, 'tis true I swear!

Gao the Greater: Shut up.

Inquisitor Lim: Oh btw Gao, your son is dead.

Gao the Greater: Gao is dead, my name sake, my only son. Oh woe is me!

Inquisitor Lim: Whatever.

Wu: Reach for the sky, pirates.

Kang the Mad: *sets fire to the pirates*

Wu: Er, thanks, but I usually prefer to do my killing myself.

Kang the Mad: If you drop Gao the Greater down a flight of punches, I'll give you the plot maguffin that makes my glider fly.

Wu: I was going to kill him anyway.

**Wu fights her way through demons and pirates and finally ascends the stairs that lead to Gao the Greater's Pagoda.**

Gao the Greater: You killed my son, prepare to die.

Wu: I don't think so. *punch*

Sky: Nooooo! I wanted to kill that slaving bastard!

Wu: I sense a back story coming one.

Sky: Those slaving bastards took my daughter and killed her! I've learned that Gao the Greater was working with the Lotus Assassins.

Wu: Well duh.

Sky: Take me with you; I want to help infiltrate the Lotus Assassins. Also, I uh, acquired this maguffin that will make the flyer fly.

Kang the Mad: Hey that's my maguffin!

Wu: Okay let's blow this popsicle stand!

**The group fly back to Tien's Landing in their shiny new flyer.**

Dawn Star: Ooh this new flyer is all shiny!

Kang the Mad: Actually the shiner the better, a diamond would fly very well.

Dawn Star: The ghosts of the ruins bothered me.

Wu: What? I didn't even take you there.

Sky: Can we talk about my feelings now?

Wu: Oh go on then.

Sky: Gao the Greater's death has left me feeling... unfulfilled. If only someone were to tackle me and make love to me in a mad passionate fashion.

Wu: Er... maybe later. *looks at Zu again*

Sky: Did I mention how the slavers took my daughter, my only love since my wife passed away?

Wu: You did, yes.

Sky: I found her body lying dead in the filth of the roadside. While cradling her prone form, I shook my fist at the sky and I swore vengeance.

Wu: I feel like I've heard this story before.

Messenger: Lord Yun calls for aid!

Wu: What's the matter?

Messenger: The forest sickens.

Wu: Well he might have a wind map, I guess I'll go check it out.

**Wu and Zu travel to the forest in search of Lord Yun.**

Zu: I do not like this place.

Ghosts: Woo, we're ghosts!

Wu: Not again.

Lord Yun: Help me cleanse the forest and I will give you my windmap.

Wu: Okay.

Lord Yun: I believe there is something wrong with the Forest Shadow, the guardian spirit of the forest.

Wu: Whatever.

**Wu and Zu battle their way through the ghosts, until they reach a bridge.**

Red Shirt: Please help me, the ghosts are chasing me!

Wu: *punches the ghosts*

Red Shirt: The ghosts are mad with... madness!

Zu: I think we have a prize idiot here.

Red Shirit: Come to the Inn, the Forest Shadow wants us to die.

Forest Shadow: My ears are burning. *turns the Red Shirt into stone*

Wu: Awww shit!

Forest Shadow: *turns Wu into a statue*

Wu: *shatters the stone by being awesome*

Forest Shadow: *runs away*

Wu: Hey, come back here you limp noodle!

**More ghost battling, the pair reach the temple of the Forest Shadow.**

Wu: Nice Place.

Spear Catches Leaf: Hello!

Black Whirlwind: Another ghost, this one's purple! *attacks*

Wu: What the futon? *dodges the twin murderous axes then proceeds to beat the crap out of him*

Black Whirlwind: Hey, you're good.

Spear Catches Leaf: You've just had the dubious honour of defeating the Black Whirlwind.

Wu: Lord Hun told me to talk to you. Hurry it up, I got places to wreck and people to do.

SCL: There is a ritual to communicate with the Forest Shadow, but the crystal to open the doorway has been stolen. I found tiny footprints leading to the Inn.

Wu: Wu investigate! Detective powers activate!

**Wu and Zu fight their way to the Pilgrim's Rest Inn.**

Zu: Do you hear something scuttling around in the bushes?

Wu: Quiet! I'm trying to listen with my body.

Inn Keeper: Ah, great warrior, you smell nice... what happened to the man we sent?

Wu: The Forest Shadow killed him.

Inn Keeper: She has gone mad, she must be dealt with.

Wu: If it gets me a wind map, I guess.

Inn Keeper: We took the crystal from the temple, take it and kill her. Then we'll pay you much silver.

Wu: Sounds good to me.

Spear Catches Leaf: You've recovered the crystal? Good, now I'll bugger off and leave you to perform the ritual all on your own.

Wu: Figures.

Black Whirlwind: And I'm coming with you too!

Wu: You're not a love interest are you?

Black Whirlwind: Hell no.

Wu: Then you can go back to Tien's Landing; Zu is my BFF, 'kay.

**Wu performs the ritual by shooting purple light through the crystal and opening a portal to the Forest Shadow's Heaven.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Previously Wu and Zu stole a magical crystal thingie and used purple light to open a doorway to a Heaven, now they ascend that stairway and venture forth to meet the mystical entities therein.**

Wu: Could the narrator get any more pretentious?

**The clouds parted in a way reminiscent of the brushwork of ****Utagawa Hiroshige who was a renowned Japanese artist and whose famed picture of the tsunami wave is recognised all over the word.**

Wu: Show off.

Zu: No one tell the narrator the Hiroshige was famous for his woodcuts, not his paintings.

Wu: Heaven sure has a lot of giant mushrooms, guess we know how the gods feel about psilocybin.

Zu: Incidentally, this episode of Jade Empire Abridged has been sponsored by Wikipedia, keep editing, kids.

Zin Bu: I am a heavenly accountant!

Wu: You're boring and stupid! I'm running past you!

Zin Bu: But I have many rare and exotic items you can purchase from me!

Wu: LALALALA NOT LISTENING LALALALA!

Zin Bu: I give up.

Fox Spirit: I don't wear a bra!

Wu: Oh no! Furries!

Fox Spirit: We are not looking for yiff partners today, we are waging a war against the toad demons.

Wu: Toad demons are what... amphibiurries?

Zu: Toadies?

Fox Spirit: Well yeah, duh, they work for some big bad demon.

Wu: That was bad. Ugh. I'm leaving now.

Zu: Did you notice that the fox spirits have two tails?

Wu: I don't want to think about the implications that much.

Forest Shadow: At last you have arrived.

Wu: Yeah.

Forest Shadow: I only pretended to be evil so that you would think about things not being what they seemed and come see me.

Wu: Huh?

Forest Shadow: The people at the inn are not people, they serve a horrible monster.

Wu: You mean even worse than a furry with a giant hula hoop on her head?

Forest Shadow: Yes. It is the dreaded giant hairless googly eyed pug monster, famed throughout the Empire.

Wu: I've never heard of it.

Forest Shadow: It was caused by the disappearance of the Water Dragon, as a spirit monk you should be able to sense her.

Wu: You mean the floaty blue lady spirit is actually the Water Dragon?

Blue Spirit: Btw I'm totally the Water Dragon.

Wu: *sigh*

Blue Spirit: If you fall your true enemy falls with you *wink wink*

Wu: So.... you're saying some one... bad wants me to succeed. I can't imagine who that would be.

Forest Shadow: *ahem*

Wu: I'm going to kill you in case it's you!

Forest Shadow: Ooops. Ow! If you kill me you with release the dreaded giant hairless googly eyed pug monster!

Wu: Fine by me! *punch*

**Once the Forest Shadow and her Elephant Gigolo (double-trunk action!) are dead, Wu and Zu find themselves teleported back to the Inn.**

Innkeeper: Thanks for killing the Fox! By the way we are actually miniature dreaded giant hairless googly eyed pug monsters!

Zu: These men are cannibals!

Wu: Yeah, yeah.

Innkeeper: We serve the Mother, aka the DGHGEPM!

Wu: Gimme some money and I won't drop a mountain on your mommy.

Innkeeper: Here's some silver and a comic relief character with a battle gimmick you will never use.

Henpecked Hou: Er... hi.

Wu: Can't you just eat him?

Innkeeper: No, he's too skinny to be of use to us, you take him.

Wu: Damn.

Hou: Would you like me to show you how to use the Drunken Master style?

Wu: Do I have a choice?

Hou: No.

Wu: *gets drunk and falls over*

Hou: Well done!

Wu: Piss off to Tien's Landing, me and Zu gotta to see a man about a windmap.

Inquisitor Lim: 'Sup.

Wu: Uh-oh.

Lim: I have that piece of the Maguffin Amulet you where looking for.

Wu: Then tonight you shall dine in umm.... the waiting room of the celestial bureaucracy!

Lim: You are a presumptuous fool, your death stands before you and yet you mew threats like a kitten. Pathetic.

Wu: Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow.

Lim: Oh and hi Zu!

Zu: Bitch, I don't even know you!

Lim: *uses Stone Immortal*

Wu: Isn't that supposed to be only for good guys? HAX!

Lim: Owchies!

**When the Lotus Assassins all fall down deaded, Wu finds that Inquisitor Lim is indeed carrying another piece of the amulet.**

Wu: Yay, more gem slots! So, uh, Zu, you knew this guy?

Zu: When I left the assassins I killed his puppy.

Wu: Awesome.

Lord Yin: Hey guys!

Wu: We killed the forest's protective spirit, and now the DGHGEPM runs rampant.

Lord Yin: Yay, here is the wind map I promised.

Wu: Score!

Lord Yin: By the way, what happened to the people at the Inn?

Wu: Oh they are fine, you should go visit them.

Lord Yin: I do believe I shall.

Bioware: *gives evil points*

Wu: Just for a suggestion? Oh come on. Let's get back to Tien's Landing.

Sky: Ah Cara Mia, you remind me of my dead wife. She was nothing like you.

Wu: Buh?

Dawn Star: The forest was strange and troubling.

Wu: You weren't even there, woman!

Black Whirlwind: This reminds me of the time I got drunk and did something violent.

Wu: We're fifty miles from the Imperial City, got a Inscrutable Power Source in our bamboo flyer and a windmap to guide the way, let's blow this popsicle stand!

**The flyer flies to the Imperial City majestically and without exploding, much to the relief of the passengers.**

Guard: Halt! State your name and purpose in our fair city!

Wu: Bite me.

Guard: I think you and me are going to take a little trip downtown.

Princess Lian: Like, stop or something.

Guards: *bow*

Princess: This is mah gurlfriend from upstate, don't y'all be bothering her none, y'hear.

Zu: Is it me or is the Princess's accent in constant flux?

Princess: Why eye man.

Wu: Now that's just silly.

Princess: Like, we meet again, like.

Wu: Silk Fox!

Princess's Attendant: *faints*

Princess: That's, like, my nickname, y'all may bow now.

Wu: I don't bow.

Princess's Attendant: *faints*

Princess: Like, you are too outspoken, you shock my girlfriends.

Wu: You like slumming it up in a ninja outfit.

Princess's Attendant: *faints*

Princess: Like take this note and we'll meet up later.

Wu: Oooh gonna get some hot ninja princess action!

Princess's Attendant: *faints*

Princess: Like it would be best if like we met without my homecrew next time.

Wu: It's not their fault you're spoiled.

Princess's Attendant: *faints*

Wu: Woo, home run!

Princess: Like I find your edginess curiously compelling, like, see you later.

Wu: ...I think she might be a love interest.

Sky: *pout*

Wu: So, anyone got anything to say before we go meet up with the bi-curious valley girl?

Sky: I find you fascinating but I don't want to flirt you into my bed.

Wu: Wait ...what?

Sky: Don't you see, you're too good for that, ma petite.

Wu: Why can't you just have daddy issues instead?

Wild Flower: Oh noes, the other is coming!

The Other: 'Sup.

Wu: Oh my gods, Laos Mc Fluffy, is that really you?

The Other: Grr arrgh!

Wu: Oh happy day! Now let's all go meet the princess.


	6. Chapter 6

**Previously Wu and co. flew to the Imperial City and received an invitation to meet with Silk Fox. Now, Wu explores the capital of the Jade Empire and seeks to know more about her Master's imprisonment.**

Servant Ji: That outfit makes you look fat!

Wu: What?

Ji: Also, I had your mom.

Wu: Why do you insult me, peasant?

Minister of Culture: Forgive him; he insults you on my behalf.

Wu: Then take back what you said about my mom. I don't even have a mom!

Minister: I would like to engage in a battle of wits with an outlander.

Wu: Sure, I have a razor sharp repartee.

Zu: That's what she said.

Silk Fox: Like, hey there stranger.

Wu: Princess... er... Foxy!

Silk Fox: I, like, saw your master being brought into like the palace.

Wu: I must get into the palace.

Silk Fox: If you can like find proof of the Lotus Assassin's crimes, I will like totally take you into the palace.

Wu: How do I do that?

Silk Fox: You will totally need to join them. You can either rise to fame in the battle arena or likeperform a task for the Inquisitor.

Wu: Okay, go hang with the others at the flyer, Foxy.

Zu: I think it is unwise to trust the Princess.

Wu: I don't trust her.

Zu: That is good to hear, I don't think joining the assassins is a good idea. They strip you of all identity.

Wu: Well I gotta do it anyway.

Scholar Dungow: Excuse me do you have a cousin named Sven?

Wu: The rice cakes are sticky.

Dungow: The Inquisitor will contact you at your flyer.

Random Mook: Hi-yah!

Sir Roderick: *gunshot* Once again I demonstrate the superior powers of the mighty whitey!

Wu: I challenge you to an Agni Kai!

Roderick: A woman! So you fancy yourself an equal do you? Best me in a contest of debates and I shall answer your challenge, you blowsy tart.

Wu: Then let the contest begin.

Roderick: Why do you use silver coinage instead of the much more valuable gold? I say that your estimation of value is clearly flawed.

Wu: A girl's gotta have her bling bling.

Judges: Harrumph! Harrumph!

Roderick: You are in the minority there, which brings me to my second topic... what kind of backwards society builds a wall around its lands instead of waging conquests against foreigners?

Wu: Well we know there's nothing of worth out there; I mean, look at you.

Judges: Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

Roderick: You seem to be in majority there, but you kindred are clearly biased. Now, why is it you have developed dragon technology, but have yet to put it to good use as armaments? Any civilised society would have developed firearms like Mirabelle here.

Wu: Firearms are a coward's weapon, bitch.

Judges: Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

Wu: I win, now let's get to the noble art of fisticuffins.

Roderick: Ow! Bloody hell! Bugger! Sod it!

Wu: I win, again, give me a prize and leave our fair city.

Roderick: Would you like a gem or a book?

Wu: I want your gun.

Roderick: Fine take my Mirabelle, but look after her. Farewell you strange and savage peoples.

Wu: Awesome, I gotta gun!

Minister of Culture: Here is some silver for getting rid of that buffoon.

Wu: Let's go meet with the Inquisitor.

Sky: *whistle* Oh hey there.

Zu: Where have you been?

Sky: Spying on the Lotus Assassins, there's one on his way now.

Inquisitor: If you prevent Minister Sheng from giving his report to Judge Fang I will grant you entry to the assassins.

Wu: Okay!

Hou: You could replace his gift with turtle eggs, that would insult him.

Wu: Or I could just kill him, or the judge, or bribe someone else to do it.

Sky: So uh... Wu, why are you doing all this?

Wu: Because they took my master.

Sky: But what drives you, ma cherie?

Wu: Vengeance gig, pure and simple.

Sky: I worry about what would happen to you after you win.

Wu: I can handle myself. Now, to the combat arena!

**Lucky Cho throws a man down some stairs as Wu enters the arena.**

Wu: I have a good feeling about this.

Gentle Breezes: Hello.

Wu: You're Fang's concubine, right?

Gentle Breezes: He's one sick mother.

Wu: Get him down to the animal pens and you'll be rid of him.

Fang: You want a literal roll in the hay, my, my.

Wu: I've come to relieve you of your life, Fang!

Fang: Ow!

Gentle Breezes: Thank goodness he's dead; he was a foul monster of a man. I'll just be going now.

Wu: Sorry lady, I don't intend on leaving any witnesses.*stab*

Zu: Are you going to fight in the arena?

Wu: What would it get me?

Zu: Couple of fighting styles and some back story for the Black Whirlwind.

Wu: Naw, we've pleased the Inquisitor and it would make for boring reading. I punched a guy, I punched another guy, I demolished a statue with a sword... booooring. Let's go back to the flyer.

Inquisitor: You have failed our test; the methods you use were brutish and unsubtle.

Wu: Damn it!

**Wu punches a guy, she punches another guy, she demolishes a statue with a sword.**

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

Hapless Han: Not yet!

Black Whirlwind: This place is smaller than I remember.

**Wu punches a guy, punches another guy and poisons a lady.**

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

Crimson Kharna: Not yet! *falls over dead*

**Wu punches a guy, punches another guy and kills a demon.**

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

Kai Lan: Not yet! *makes a dubious business offer*

**Wu punches a guy, punches another guy and fights a cage match.**

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

Iron Soldier: Not yet!

**Wu punches a guy, punches another guy and fights a big yellow man.**

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

The Ravager: Grr Argh!

Black Whirlwind: I challenge you to an Agni Kai!

Kai Lan: Hrkgh!

Wu: Am I a champion yet?

Everyone: YES!

Wu: *sings* Like the Hapless Han, Crimson Khana, Iron Solider. Like those champions, I'm a champion too! I'm Wu-oo-oo, Wu-oo-oo.

Executioner: You have impressed me, here take this maguffin and use it to enter our training grounds in the graveyard.

Silk Fox: It's about time.

Zu: This is a bad idea.

Silk Fox: Don't be silly.

Wu: It will be good to crack some assassin heads, right Zu? Zu... where have you gone? ZU!


	7. Chapter 7

**Previously Wu punched a lot of guys and became champion of the combat arena, now she journeys to the graveyard in search of the secret training facility of the Lotus Assassins, though without her beloved Zu who has mysteriously absconded.**

Wu: Do you know where he is?

**Yes, but I can't tell you, sequence breaking would make this even more confusing than it already is. Just stay on course and I promise you you'll see him again.**

Wu: Alright, Foxy, get in line. To the graveyard!

Silk Fox: Like, totally!

Ghosts: Wooo, we're ghosts!

Shen: Wanna bust some ghosts for me?

Wu: No thanks, creepy old gravedigger dude, we're on a schedule here.

Mad Wen Zhi: Would you help me perform the word's first necrotic liver transplant?

Wu: Err, no thanks, I already have one guy with Mad in his name on my party, my crazy train is all full up.

Silk Fox: That's like, my papa's tomb, it's not finished yet.

Wu: Er... why are you pointing that out?

Silk Fox: No reason, I just felt like it, y'know.

**Zu appears, sneaking towards the pagoda.**

Wu: Zu! Wait up!

**But, alas, Zu is gone by the time Wu reaches the pagoda.**

Wu: Damn it!

Silk Fox: Whatever, he's totally a traitor.

Sky: Wu, wait!

Wu: This had better be good.

Sky: I just wanted to say that... well... we could we be more than friends. But we can't talk about this now!

Wu: And yet you had to bring it up.

Sky: It's in my contract. And believe me, if I could find a plausible way to work in shouting BROOOOOTHER, I'd do it.

Wu: I guess it could be worse.

**Wu watches Sky leave and then uses a plot Maguffin to open the magical descending staircase to the underground lair of the Lotus Assassins.**

The Watcher: Welcome to my underground lair.

Wu: I like what you've done with the place.

The Watcher: You have been assigned to Master Gang.

Gang: Kill my rival and be quick about it! Oh and make me a soul shard while you're at it!

Wu: Soul shard, right.

Lotus Assassin: We make soul shards out of poor people because the Emperor tells us to!

Silk Fox: Wait, what?

Zu: They are fresh out of soul shards, why not try the soul of a psychotic bastard?

Wu: Good id- hey where'd you go?

Zeng Sai: Fee fy fo fum, I smell the blood of a... Howling Spirits woman.

Wu: What the futon? *kills the ghost and builds a spirit shard out of him*

Zu: You really are a spirit monk.

Wu: I wouldn't lie to you, Zu... Zu? Damn it, stop acting like Batman!

Master Gang: Well done, now kill that bastard Shiin.

Wu: I guess I could kill Master Shin and make it look like an accident.

Zu: *whispers in Wu's ear* Why not kill two assassins with one stone?

Wu: That is so sex- hey where did you go?

Wu: *kills a bunch of Lotus Assassin trainees by accident and then breaks the golem press by pouring phoenix goo in it*

Master Shin: Where everybody at?

Wu: *stabbity*

Shin: *dies*

Wu: *puts Shin in the golem press and squishes him*

Gang: He's totally dead!

Wu: *drops a golem on Gang* Squish!

Zu: *golf clap* You can go into the master chambers and find your evidence there, I, however, won't be leaving.

Wu: I don't like the sound of that.

Zu: The reason that I left the Lotus Assassins was that they asked me to kill the Glorious Strategist's family. I killed the assassins and saved the baby.

Wu: Oh Zu, I knew you had a tragic back-story in you somewhere! If only I could acknowledge it with a smoochy, but Bioware didn't think of that.

Jade Golem: Grrrghh! Arrgh!

Grand Inquisitor Jia: Who has corrupted this Jade Golem?

Wu: Spirit Monks rule! And we're going to the Imperial City to take back the Whit- uh the Imperial City! Woooo!

Jia: Ah so you know that the Emperor is the big bad, how perceptive of you.

Silk Fox: I don't believe it!

Wu: *dismantles the golem* Bring it Jia, it's about time we had a boss fight!

Jia: Death's Hand is coming soon, live or die, the Emperor's will be done!

Wu: *wupps Jia into bits*

Silk Fox: Look, there's a piece of the amulet on the throne.

Wu: *goes to get it*

Death's Hand: *sneak attack*

Zu: Look out, it's Death's Hand!

Wu: Argh!

Zu: He is too powerful!

Wu: Zu! Run!

Zu: Go! I will do what I must!

Death's Hand: *runs Zu through with his badass sword* I knew you could not beat me, Exile.

Zu: I wasn't looking for victory, just a few seconds. *dies and the building falls on them*

Wu: Zuuuuuuuuuu! NOOOOO! VERY NOOOOO!

Silk Fox: Well, like, that bites.

Wu: Let's blow this joint, I have some very choice words to say to your daddy.

The Watcher: Nu-uh, bitch.

Wu: I've had it with these motherfucking Lotus Assassins. You can make an army out of peasants, fine, but you do not kill my BFF, kay? *smashes The Watcher's skull into goo*

**Wu battles her way out of the crumbling ruins of the Lotus Assassins' lair. Then they ready the flyer and fly to the Imperial Palace, which apparently floats above the city.**

Silk Fox: We must, like, find my daddy, I'm sure this is just a mistake.

Wild Flower: Oh! Ow my head!

Laos McFluffy: We fight for the girl's soul!

Wu: Now? That's a little bit inconvenient!

Chai Ka: Aytimaishu! Yutaimaishu!

Wu: Is anyone going to get that?

Laos McFluffy: Pratchett fans might.

Wu: Okay, I'm afraid I'm siding with Chai Ka, even though you're my spirit animal, Laos.

Laos: Grrr, but why?

Wu: Because I already lost one BFF today, I don't wanna screw over Wild Flower. She's like nine and dead and possessed. That's a tough deal

Wild Flower: All better now.

Silk Fox: I, like, have to know the truth.

Wu: Alright then, to the throne room!

Silk Fox: Wait, let's like stop in front of the ominous doors and talk about them for, like, seemingly no reason.

Wu: Okay.

Silk Fox: That's like where Uncles Li and Kin are supposed to be buried, but it Sun Li is alive...

Wu: And if they're not dead, what's really in there?

Silk Fox: To the throne room already!

Sky: Wait!

Wu: Oh spit it out already, I have a BFF to avenge!

Sky: When we first met your beauty ignited me. And then you taught me how to be evil and mean and I fell even more.

Wu: Okay?

Sky: I just... want you... to be...

Wu: Yes? YES?

Sky: To be...

Wu: GET ON WITH IT!

Sky: ... careful.

Wu: That's it?

Sky: Well, no, but I don't want to distract you from the task at hand.

Wu: Oh for the love of the water dragon! I'll talk to after I pwn the Emperor.

Silk Fox: I'm sure like, it's all a misunderstanding.

Emperor Sun: Lian, why are you dressed like a strumpet?

Silk Fox: Father!

Wu: You going down, punk.

Sun: You would bring assassins to my door, girl? Guards, kill them all!

Silk Fox: No!

Sun: Rarrgh, a god am I!

Wu: Uh-oh, the Emperor is an Unsent... I mean, a ghost.

Sun: I am the Empire!

Wu: *fights the Emperor Ghost until he dies, dropping the Heart of the Water Dragon upon the floor*

Wu: I won.

**Master Li happened to be in the throne room for some vague reason and picks up the Heart of the Dragon.**

Wu: Oh Master, I have done it.

Master Li: Like the radiant apricot you have done well. Everything has gone just as it should, like the perpetual yoghurt. Like the enduring sloth you have remembered my teachings. Like the diligent alphabet it does me good to see you have remembered your basics.

**Master Li punches Wu in the heart.**

Master Li: Even the flaws!

Wu: *falls over dead*

**OMG!**

Wu: I know!

**He killed you!**

Wu: I did not see that coming!

**Really? You didn't think it was foreshadowed from the start?**

Wu: Hey if I knew what was going to happen in advance, I wouldn't have let my BFF die just so I can get donkey punched in a one hit knock out a few scenes later.

**Well, don't worry Wu, I'm sure it will get sorted out somehow.**

Wu: I sure hope so.

**To be continued...**

Wu: Son of a bitch!


	8. Chapter 8

(A/N: I apologise for the redonkulous wait for the final chapter, life and dragon age and original fics got in the way, I suck and stuff.)

**Previously Wu got deaded by her mentor character who was actually the Big Bad all the time, who'd have thunk it?**

Wu: Hey, I'm all bluey and my hair's white.

Water Dragon: Death has come to you, but life can be regained.

Wu: I sure hope so.

**Wu battles her way through a gauntlet of ghosts, though exactly what would happen if she dies while already dead isn't clear.**

Water Dragon: Your master betrayed you, he is using the dragon amulet to draw upon my power. I can grant you the strength to return to life, but only if you restore the fountains of Dirge.

Wu: Is that all? Pffft, easy. Teleport me.

Abbot Song: You! I sense the mark of the Water Dragon upon you.

Wu: Yeah, I'm here to do some serious water cleansing, man.

Abbot Song: Let's have a flashback first.

Wu: Fine...

Abbot Song: ... So you see, I rescued you from certain death and then your master sworded me in the back.

Wu: But why?

Song: They came to attack the Water Dragon, here at Dirge was the gateway to her heart. They defiled her with blood

Wu: So the Water Dragon's power can be corrupted by blood, huh? Good to know.

**Wu works to purify the fountains by disbursing evil spirits that have taken root there and restoring the fountains' guardians. However she finds something dark and evil lurking in the heart of the temple.**

Evil Thing: Haha, this is that one annoying fight where you have to fight your own doppelganger who is in explicably far more powerful than you!

Wu: Find, let's get it over with! Hi-yah!

**Wu beats all three of her ninja clones.**

Water Dragon: Thank you for restoring the temples, attempting to restore you in 3... 2... 1!

Wu: Hey I'm not bluey or white-haired anymore!

Demons: Grr! Argh!

Wu: Things never go smooth! Why can't things ever go smooth?

**Wu fights the demons and hears the overhead woosh of a flyer. Sure enough it is the rest of the part, minus Zu.**

Wu: Oh poor Zu, I didn't even see him in the afterlife!

Dawn Star: You're alive!

Wu: Well, duh!

Silk Fox: Like oh em gee I am so surprised! I was totally like expecting a ghost or something!

Wu: We couldn't finish the story like that, also there's an unresolved romance plot that we left dangling.

Sky: Oh hell yes!

Hen Pecked Hou: Not that I want to interrupt this lovely reunion or anything, but this is one of my only lines in the whole piece and I want to milk it as much as I can. Did you all happen to notice that the entire Imperial army is after us and half-way up the mountain!

Dawn Star: Master Li... I mean Emperor Li must have received the same vision I did.

Wu: How convenient.

Silk Fox: Like my uncle, the totally heinous bad guy, claimed the throne and the dragon amulet thing. Those Lotus Assassin guys supported him like straight away.

Wu: Good thing I don't need the dragon amulet anymore, I have come into my true power.

Dawn Star: But now the whole army is after us!

Wu: Not a problem, we can destroy them all. Go and prepare for tomorrow, I need to have a word with Sky.

Sky: This is my big scene!

Wu: Oh go on then! It's not like Zu is around anymore.

Sky: *ahem* I don't like to think of what might happen to you tomorrow, but I'm prepared to slaughter every single one of the bastards that stand between us.

Wu: Aww, wanton violence is so sweet. You didn't seem all that shocked to see me again,

Sky: Not even death could keep you from revenge, my last Spirit Monk. When the time comes you will crush Emperor Li and take his power and I will help you do it.

Wu: You think I could become Empress?

Sky: Not everyone would support such a decision, but you don't need weaklings with you. The only thing that really matters is that you made it back to me.

Wu: I had help.

Sky: And you can tell me all about it... later. I never did tell you what I wanted to say in the palace.

Wu: You mean other than dot dot dot be careful?

Sky: When I heard you were... gone, I knew I had missed my chance to tell you how I really felt. I won't miss it a second time. I'm completely arse over elbows in love with you, Wu. When you died it was like someone stuck their hand into my chest, pulled out my still beating heart and threw it into the woods.

Wu: Oh Glottis, you're so sweet!

Sky: Gimme some sugar baby!

Wu: *smooch*

**Wu falls asleep and Emperor Li sends her a dream about the students at Two Rivers dying horribly.**

Wu: Does he expect me to care or something? I don't get it.

**Wu awakes the next morning, ready to fight an entire army.**

Wu: I forgot my shoe! I tie my shoe!

**Well, almost ready.**

Hen Pecked Hou: Hey, you're up. Sky buggered off a few hours ago, said he was going to scout the bad guys, but he hasn't come back yet.

Dawn Star: There he is!

Sky: *limp* Sorry for being late. I went to scout them, there's mother loads of them, golems and lotus assassins.

Hou: Bad bad awful! What are we going to do?

Wu: Go destroy the bridge.

Kang the Mad: I will make the bridge go boom!

Silk Fox: I will go with you!

Dawn Star: Me too!

Black Whirlwind: I want some action too!

Sky: They are going to air drop some assassins on top of us!

Wu: That sounds rather silly.

Black Whirlwind: Haha, good fun!

Sky: I will need some explosives to rig a trap.

Wu: I'll be guarding the main part of the temple. Let's kill 'em all! Grr!

Kang: I explode the bridge!

Black Whirlwind: I kill a golem!

Sky: I pretended to betray you!

Wu: Wait, what?

Sky: The bad guys offered to resurrect my daughter, how dare they!

Wu: Considering how evil I am, I'm surprised you sided with me.

Sky: But I wuvv you, honeycakes! *drops the ceiling on some bad guys*

Death's Hand: I underestimated you Sky.

Wu: So you're apparently some dead prince bound to some evil armour? Well how about I bind you to me instead?

Death's Hand: That would be really evil of you.

Wu: Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

Dawn Star: Wait! That's a really evil thing to do!

Wu: So?

Dawn Star: If you do it, I'll never follow you.

Sky: Not willingly anyway.

Wu: I could bind all of you!

Wild Flower: T_T

Wu: ... It's not good, I can't do it. You are free to die, Prince Qin.

Dawn Star: I knew there was some shred of decency in you somewhere.

Wu: Don't push it, pinkness.

Silk Fox: Like oh my god, we have totally won here! Let's go confront my evil uncle now!

Wu: This time I'll ready for him!

**The company uses the flyer to go back to the palace, taking the exact same route as before, yet meeting no extra resistance. Weird, huh?**

Wu: Evil Emperor Li must be over confident.

Silk Fox: You know, if Master Li and Prince Qin are both like not buried and stuff, then what is in those tombs?

Wu: That's actually a good point, Wu investigate!

**The party sees the sliced open body of the water dragon and react with shock as this is clearly wrong.**

Wu: Here's the point where I choose to be good or evil. I could destroy the Water Dragon's body and return balance to the force, but run the risk of drought, or I could happily slaughter all my friendly companions and claim the power for myself!

Sky: I don't care what you do as long as I keep getting laid!

Water Dragon: Please, allow me to die, I am cut open, I bleed! It was not meant to be thus!

Wu: Okay fine, if it will stop your endless melodramatic eulogising, I will kill you very dead!

**Wu throws a spear into some gear which apparently makes things explode.**

Evil Emperor Li: Oh snap! But like the radiant architect, I will have my revenge upon Wu anyway. I will be as the democratic turnip and rule even without the Dragon's power!

**Wu battles her way through the Emperor's minions, again, and finally confronts the Emperor in the throne room, again.**

Master Li: Like the quivering baboon I will show you my ultimate power! *turns Wu into stone*

Wu: Aww, crap, this is going to be one of those battles within my own mind things. I feel like I'm Shinji or something.

Chia Ka: You are not alone, we are with you and give you are strength.

Wu: Lend me your power, party members!

**Wu destroys a barrier with the help of Chai Ka.**

Master Li: Like the clandestine dominatrix your struggles are amusing, but futile.

Wu: That's what she said!

Sky: I am at your side, my love!

**Wu destroys another barrier.**

Master Li: Fools, like the grasping grass snake the power of a god holds you!

**Sagacious Zu suddenly materialises before Wu.**

Wu: Zu!

Sagacious Zu: I have moved with you, hidden, trying to keep focus. I give you all that I am, all that I was. Restore what has been corrupted.

**Zu destroys the last barrier and slowly fades away.**

Wu: Oh Zu, I always loved you. Farewell, my dear.

**Wu breaks the statue holding her and a fleeting expression of fear quickly moves across Master Li's face.**

Master Li: I see I have underestimated you and the tiresome loyalty you inspire, like the twinking vampire . Like the flatulent walrus you have truly become a spirit monk.

Wu: I had a good teacher, bitch.

Master Li: I wonder if like the yiffing fox you are an agent of the Celestial Bureaucracy, trying to restore balance like the gigolo elephant.

Wu: Pfft, I don't even pay taxes.

Master Li: Would you not consider committing suicide and plunging the Empire into a evil and stagnant future like the gullible toad just because I tell you it's a good idea?

Wu: What kind of bargain is that?

Master Li: Never mind then, let us fight one final time, like the overrated film director.

Wu: Bring it!

Master Li: I see you have corrected the flaw in your style like the overeager badger.

Wu: Err... yeah, course I did, worked on it for hours while I was dead.

**Master Li and Wu fight. It is a long gruelling battle, but in the end there can be no doubt who is the victor. Wu lands one final blow upon the man that was once her mentor and guardian.**

Master Li: Once again I have underestimated you, like the arrogant fool. *falls to his knees* Perhaps, I'm a better teacher than I thought, like Mr. Garrison. *collapses*

Wu: I win! Yay!

**In the events following Emperor Li's short rule and violent death, Princess Sun Lian becomes Empress.**

Silk Fox: Oh Em Gee, I want to thank my agent and all my fans for voting me in. I will the best prom queen ever, I promise!

**Dawn Star returns to Two Rivers and rebuilds the school and garden. There are many pink flowers.**

Dawn Star: Pink goes with everything!

**Black Whirlwind goes off on an adventure or twenty and returns with yet more stories of the times he got drunk and did something violent.**

Black Whirlwind: And I owe it all to my best friends, my axes!

**Hou successfully impregnates his wife and then starts a delivery company, or something, we don't really care about him.**

Hou: Wish my wife felt the same way!

**Chia Ka returns to the Heaven he came from and gives Wild Flower a parting gift: Life. She is now a perfectly normal living child instead of a demon possessed zombie thing. I guess that's an improvement.**

Wild Flower: I went to school and met my new best friend, she's a pink haired girl from the future and is kind of annoying!

**Kang the Mad lives up to his name and departs this dimension for a better one, because he's actually a god or something, we skipped that side quest.**

Kang: I think I left something cooking in Heaven.

**Wu and Sky settle down near Tien's Landing for some reason. The live happily ever after even though Sky will never come close to eclipsing Sagacious Zu in Wu's heart. But Sky is completely her bitch so he doesn't mind that much.**

Wu: And if he does I punch him!

Sky: Ahh... love.

**Fin.**

Wu: What does that even me... oh! Bye guys!


End file.
